How to Lose Weight Without Diet or Exercise

You guys...I've discovered the secret to weight loss, and the best part is, there is no diet or exercise involved. That's right, all you have to do is follow these ten simple steps, and you will be fitting into those skinny jeans in no time.

Step 1: 
Get Pregnant.

Step 2: 
Have baby.

Step 3:
Raise baby in such a way that she finds going up and down the stairs to be the highest form of entertainment.

Step 4:
Buy a house with a severely outdated, ridiculously low, built-in TV stand so that you are forced to constantly chase after baby in order to ensure that the TV remains on said stand.

Step 5: 
Obsess over which foods baby ingests.

Step 6:
Spend your entire grocery budget on organic fruits and vegetables so that the only available foods for your consumption are organic fruits and vegetables.

Step 7: 
Encourage baby to crawl.

Step 8: 
Spend your entire day chasing after crawling baby and blocking her access to electrical cords, dog food, and toilets.

Step 9:
Take baby on multiple walks, field trips, and swim outings in hopes that the baby will take a long afternoon nap.*

Step 10:
Collapse from exhaustion at the end of each day.

*She won't.