30 Things Rory Should Know About Me: Part 2

Describe 3 Legitimate Fears You Have

Rory,

I've always been a worrier. When I was in elementary school, I worried so much that I would get stomach aches almost every night. I really hope you don't inherit this from me, especially because worrying about something never changes the outcome. Even though I know that worrying is a waste of mental energy, I can't seem to stop. Unfortunately, if left to their own devices, these worries often turn into fears. And just when I thought I couldn't possibly worry about one more thing, you were born, and my worries seemed to multiply. Sadly, the most difficult part of writing this post was choosing only three fears. But, eventually I narrowed them down, and here they are:

1. Fear Of Flying
I haven't always been afraid to fly. I've been flying on a regular basis pretty much since I was born. Your gammy and poppi got divorced when I was only a little older than you are right now, so I would fly with your auntie Whitney and auntie Courtney to go visit poppi in Connecticut about three times a year. I used to love flying. I even remember feeling slightly disappointed each time the place landed, signaling the end of the flight. I'm not sure when my fear of flying developed. Perhaps it started on our way to get married in Mexico when we experienced sudden, severe turbulence. Perhaps it's because in the past few years there have been several flights that seem to have just stopped flying. All I know is that now when I get on a flight, my palms get super sweaty and I panic whenever I feel even the slightest bit of turbulence. I realize statistics are in my favor...I have a much greater chance of dying in a car accident; but that doesn't change the fact that I am trusting a pilot I don't know to fly me 35, 000 feet into the air in what looks like a giant metal can.

2. Fear of Losing You
From the day I found out you were in my stomach, I was terrified that I would lose you. So many things can go wrong in a pregnancy, and I was convinced that every pain or strange feeling meant that I had miscarried. Needless to say, it was a long nine months and I couldn't wait until you were safe in my arms. Little did I know that my fear of losing you would only get worse once you were out of my womb and in the real world where you seemed so helpless and vulnerable. Even when you were asleep right next to me in your bassinet, I was convinced that you were going to stop breathing. I still check the video monitor several times a night, and I have finally accepted the fact that I will not get a good night's sleep for at least 18 years. Every day I fall more in love with you, and every day the fear of losing you grips me just a little tighter. Every time I hear about a child's death on the news or read about an accident in the paper, that fear resurfaces and I am forced to imagine what life would be like without you, but I can't. I barely remember life before you, and I pray to God each night that I will never have to live my life after you.

3. Fear of You Hating Me
Becoming a parent is both the best and the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. (Besides flying. See above.) All of a sudden I was in charge of another human life. I remember coming home from the hospital and thinking, "What the hell do I do now?" But even though your survival depends on me until you can feed, clothe, and bathe yourself, I realize that these are the easy years. Soon you will be looking to me for guidance for things like friendships and boys and peer pressure. I know I won't always get it right. I know there will come a day when you hate me and you feel as though I don't understand you and you will wish that you had been born to a different family. I know this because I went through those years with my own mom. But the older I got, the more I understood why my mom said what she said and did what she did. She was just being a good mom. And now that I'm a mom, I am terrified of what's to come. What if I don't say the right thing? What if I pass up opportunities to tell you how beautiful and smart I think you are? What if I don't have the sex talk soon enough? What if you end up hating me? Fortunately, I have a few years to think about these things, and hopefully when these situations arise, I will be ready. Hopefully I will say the right thing and you will understand the reasons behind my actions. But, if I screw up every once in a while, please know that I always have your best interest in mind...and please, please don't hate me.