On Discipline

How is it possible that I'm already writing a blog post on discipline? Rory just turned 14 months old, and I'm already struggling with the idea of age-appropriate discipline. She's engaging in completely normal toddler behaviors: telling me "no", doing the exact thing I tell her not to, taking toys from other children, and throwing the occasional fit when she's tired/unhappy. I realize that at this age the best offense is a good defense (enough with the sport analogies!), meaning prevention is key. I don't take her anywhere within an hour of her naptime/bedtime, and I redirect when I notice her engaging in a potentially dangerous or inappropriate activity. But I know there will be times when this isn't possible, and so the time has come for Marcos and I to decide on a parenting/discipline philosophy that we feel good about. I checked out a few discipline books from the library, including Love and Logic and Positive Discipline, and just like all of the research I did concerning sleep training, I am taking bits and pieces from each philosophy and forming my own discipline style that meshes with our values and lifestyle.

One things is for certain: I will not spank or use any other form of physical punishment. I understand that some parents feel as though this is an effective form of discipline, and maybe it works for them, but I believe that the ultimate goal of any form of discipline is to promote self-control and build self-confidence so that children will grow up to make good choices and become productive members of society. The purpose of discipline is to teach, not to punish. I don't understand how hitting a child really teaches them a valuable lesson, other than you are someone who should be feared rather than respected. And hitting a child for hurting someone is the ultimate form of hypocrisy and really only communicates to your child that you've lost control and don't know how to handle the situation. I would be lying if I said that I didn't judge parents who spank just a little. 

Okay, we get it, you don't agree with spanking. So then how do you plan on disciplining your child? 

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure yet. 

Based on my reading and my experience working with young children, I know that effective discipline must be based on mutual respect. The old adage is true: You must give respect to get respect. You respect your friends and your coworkers and the checkout lady at the grocery store...why wouldn't you respect your own child? Respect means being honest and kind and empathetic. Respect doesn't mean rolling your eyes, tricking your child, or saying, "because I said so". All of this may sound obvious, but when you're frustrated and angry, using kind words can be a struggle. 

I believe in respect, but I also believe in tough love and boundaries. I think that you're doing your child a great disservice if you refuse to establish rules or execute consequences. Love and Logic is a great resource for "natural consequences". These are consequences that occur naturally as a result of a specific choice or behavior. If a child refuses to eat the dinner you made, allow them to go to bed hungry. They will naturally learn on their own that they must eat what you make or they will feel hungry and uncomfortable. (I don't sending a child to bed without dinner is in any way abusive because the child made the choice not to eat.) If a child cannot get ready for school in time, pack their clothes in a bag and put them in the car in their pajamas. Again, they will learn quickly that when you say "five more minutes", you mean it. For younger children, if they continue to hit the dog with a toy, you take the toy away.And the best part of instituting natural consequences is that it takes the thinking out of it for parents. You don't have to brainstorm creative punishments or resort to yelling. 

Of course, there are instances when natural consequences just won't work, and this is when things get tricky. What do I do when Rory runs out into the street after I've told her not to? The natural consequence for this behavior is not one I'm willing to let happen. Children are unpredictable, therefore it's pretty much impossible to be 100 percent prepared for every parenting situation you will find yourself in for the next 18 plus years. (Of course, there are some givens: drawing on the walls, climbing on furniture, burping at the dinner table...) I think the trick is to spend time thinking about what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of adults you want your children to become. Parenting and disciplining is like anything else...it takes a lot of practice to become an expert. Fortunately, children are very forgiving, if not forgetful.

Here are some points I think are important when it comes to disciplining:

• Speak in a calm voice. Children tend to tune out yelling and become defensive when their parents raise their voices. A calm voice communicates to your child that you have your emotions under control. (Even if you're fuming inside.

• Use timeout as an opportunity to reflect and gain control (for both parent and child) rather than a punishment. Ask your child: Would you like to take a break in your room?

• Provide children with opportunities to be in control as often as possible. Love and Logic is big on this concept. The theory behind it is that if children feel as though they are able to make choices, they won't resist being told what to do. (Choices can be as basic as: Would you like to wear the red shirt or the green? Would you like to go to bed now or in five minutes?)

• Don't make empty threats. How many of us remember our parents saying "If you don't stop fighting, I'm going to turn this car around!"? Did it ever happen? Of course not. And we knew it wouldn't. Instead, you can say something like, "I don't bring fighting children to the playground." This is something you can easily follow through with. 

• Make sure your discipline techniques are developmentally appropriate. You can't expect a 15 month old to clean up her toys without some help and guidance. (But you can certainly start practicing this skill as early as possible.) Rory still puts everything in her mouth, and it drives me crazy, but I understand that at her age it's how she learns about the world.

• Be prepared for your routine to be disrupted, especially in the beginning. Children will test you; it's both normal and healthy for them to do so. In fact, in the beginning stages of establishing your discipline routine, you almost want them to misbehave so that you can show them you mean business. If you go to the pool and they continue to run when you've told them they must walk, pack up and leave, even if you've only been there for five minutes. 

• It's okay to delay consequences. If you're not sure how to handle a situation or you're too angry to do it effectively and appropriately, tell your child that there will be a consequence and you'll discuss it later. 

• Involve your children in their own consequences. (This is another Love and Logic concept.) If you're child draws on the wall, you may say something like, "Oh no. Crayons are for paper only. How are you going to solve this problem?" If the child doesn't suggest something, you may say, "Would you like an idea? Mommy has a sponge and spray that can be used to clean it. I'll show you where it is." This communicate to children that they are smart enough to solve their own problems. 

• Shower your children with love, praise, and affection. Kids need to be touched and told how wonderful they are. Don't dish out praise for anything and everything, and use specific praise whenever possible, but if they did something well or you're proud of them, let them know. And I've never heard a parent say, "I wish I had hugged my children a little less."

It's hard to believe that this cutie could ever do anything wrong...