Why Marriage is Harder than Parenthood

I've noticed that having a baby before getting married is becoming more common, and not just among washed-up celebrities. (By the way, are Kourtney and Scott ever going to get married??) In the past month, I've heard several stories about friends of friends who purposefully became pregnant out of wedlock or who are actively trying to get pregnant before getting married. A friend of mine told me a few months ago that he's ready to be a father, but not sure if he's ready for marriage. And the truth is, I get it.

Although we can all argue the importance of establishing a strong and stable relationship with your partner before bringing a child into the mix, in many ways, marriage is a bigger and scarier commitment than becoming a parent. Sure, there are the seemingly endless sleepless nights and the anxiety that comes with being in charge of molding another being into a productive member of society. And let's not forget that being a parent is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job that doesn't ever really get easier because once you finally feel like you have it figured out, everything changes. But let's face it, parenting isn't rocket science. Babies need food, clothes, a little brain stimulation, and a lot of love. Actually, husbands have similar needs. The only difference is it's easy to love a baby. They are the epitome of unconditional love. They are literally a part of you, and nothing they do could possibly make you love them any less. I am completely powerless when it comes to the love and affection I feel for Rory. I have no choice in the matter.

But every morning I wake up, I  make the choice to love my husband. Of course, on most days, it's an easy choice. I vowed to spend the rest of my life with this man, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. I love almost everything about him, but loving your husband does not always come as naturally as loving your child, and often it's a conscious choice you have to make. When Rory wakes up crying in the middle of the night, it's concerning. When Marcos does it, it's just annoying. (I kid.)

As a parent, you expect to give and get nothing in return, but that mentality doesn't fly in a marriage. It's a constant give and take, and more often than not, it feels as though someone is doing more of the taking.

Your baby is forever changing-from infant to toddler to tween to teen, and with each phase comes new challenges and experiences. Parenting doesn't get old or boring. Kids tend to keep you on your toes. But it's easy to fall into the trap of a monotonous marriage. You wake up, go to work, take care of the kids, and fall into bed exhausted each night. There are some days when Marcos and I barely say two words to one another. We know each other so well at this point, that gestures suffice. Talking takes energy that we just don't have. Date nights must be scheduled weeks in advance and finding a babysitter you trust and that you can actually afford is not an easy task. Of course, you'll spend the whole night talking about your kids, which you could have done for free on your couch in the comfort of your own home.

At this point you're either shaking your head in agreement or thinking I must be headed straight for divorce. Either way, you need to know that I am not unhappy. Marcos and I have a strong, happy marriage, and I could not have chosen a better life partner.We were married five years before we decided to have a child, but we still sometimes have trouble finding the balance between being a good wife or husband and being a good parent. At times, it doesn't seem possible to be both. In many ways having a child strengthens your marriage. When I see Marcos giving Rory a bath or chasing her around in the backyard, I fall in love with him all over again. But parenthood also tests and challenges your marriage in ways you never thought possible. When you're running on very little sleep and the house is a mess and your baby won't stop crying, it can be difficult to remember your spouse's good qualities.

My point is that marriage is a lot of work, and the love you have for your child often overshadows the love you feel for your partner. Parenthood is all-consuming and it's easy to forget that you were a wife before you were a mother. I used to balk at the idea that your husband should come before your children, but now I understand the importance of a strong, healthy marriage when it comes to being a good parent. Not only must you set a positive example of marriage for your kids, but inevitably your kids will grow up and (hopefully) leave the house to start families of their own. If your entire identity is based on being a mother and you've put your marriage on the back burner, your marriage may not survive the empty nest syndrome.


I'm not saying that having a baby before getting married is a good idea. Or a bad one, for that matter. I'm simply saying that a strong relationship with your partner is by far the best gift you can give your child.